


Not Broken

by LadyMurasaki



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Asexual!Karkat, Bacground Dave/Terezi, Bulges and Nooks, First Time, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Questionable Consent, Social expectations, background Rose/Kanaya, background terezi/gamzee
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-09-14
Updated: 2015-10-16
Packaged: 2018-04-20 19:28:38
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 9,691
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4799516
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LadyMurasaki/pseuds/LadyMurasaki
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Karkat wasn't entirely sure if the sensation was good or bad, but it was the most prominent one right now, and he should be feeling good, so he decided it was pleasure. He made appreciative noises at it, because none came by themselves and he wanted Dave to know he liked it.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I just want to stress that the consent here is pretty iffy and wavery. I, personally, wouldn't feel comfortable labeling it outright non-consensual/Rape, but can see where someone else might view it as such. So just tread carefully.
> 
> I mostly wrote this because it's something I needed out of my system. It's unbeta'd and in a style I don't write often, though I went over it about six or seven times myself already. Let me know if you catch something I missed, I'll be grateful.

Karkat purred, eyes drooping as Dave's fingers scratched lightly through his hair and massaged around his hornbeds. The movie in front of them was one the human had picked out, and honestly wasn't really holding Karkat's attention, but he was glad for the chance to curl up with his boysprit-matefriend anyway.

Dave's hand wandered down lazily, cupping at the back of Karkat's neck and squeezing lightly, rhythmically, like some kind of awkward, half assed massage. It felt too much like he was being scruffed, and Karkat arched his back, trying to wordlessly encourage the hand lower. Dave hummed, distracted by his movie, and skimmed his hand down, smoothing over the troll's sweater and then back up, underneath it, resuming the idle stroking against the bared skin of Karkat's lower back. A soft sigh escaped Karkat's lips and he relaxed fully against Dave's chest, eyes closing in contentment.

He wasn't sure how much time passed -- he might have dozed off a little, whoops -- before Dave was shifting under him. Karkat lifted his head a little, and Dave slipped out from under him, turning on his side so they faced each other on the resting platform. Their legs tangled together.

"Bored?"

Karkat shrugged a little. The movie was kinda boring, but he was comfortable enough that it didn't matter. Dave kissed him, just a chaste press of lips, and Karkat curled an arm around around the human's shoulder to pull him back in for another almost as soon as their lips parted. Kissing was nice too. Dave's lips parted enough to draw in Karkat's lower lip, biting it teasingly, before drawing away again. His hands were on the troll's hips, fingertips under his waistband. Karkat wasn't sure when that happened.

"Be right back. Gotta piss." They shared another brief kiss before the human pulled away and off the bed.

Karkat rolled on his back and groaned, "Way to ruin the mood, nookwhiff."

Dave was chuckling as he left the room, and Karkat flopped an arm over his eyes, spread out on the resting platform.

Karkat... wasn't exactly sure how or when they'd become an item. When Terezi had started disappearing into the meteor's core and coming back smelling of Gamzee and blood and Faygo and sex, Dave had started drifting away from her, spending more and more time avoiding her. When Terezi had finally caught up with him, they'd fought -- Dave had, in his weird human way, been unable to deal with Terezi's kismesitude, and Terezi hadn't been willing to give up Gamzee. So they broke up, and Terezi disappeared once again into the depths of the meteor.

With Kanaya and Rose attached at the hip, Dave and Karkat had gravitated towards each other and the only two unattached people left on the meteor. (Besides the Mayor, of course. But for all that the Mayor is awesomeness carpacian-ified, he could only offer so much companionship.)

Dave invited Karkat to cantown. Karkat read his Alternian novels to Dave, and Dave tried out his raps on Karkat. They shared movies, and video games, and sparred sometimes but mostly they just hung out together, enjoying each other's company.

Dave broached the idea first. "Wanna make out?" The inclination had never really crossed Karkat’s mind before, but now that it was there… yeah, he wasn’t opposed. It had been embarrassingly awkward, a meeting of Karkat's inexperience and Dave's limited-to-one-troll experience. Terezi had a lot more, and sharper, teeth, and was much more enthusiastic. Karkat was nervous but stubborn. When Dave's tongue swiped across the seam of Karkat's lips, Karkat had opened his mouth a little, more because he'd read that that's what one did during sloppy make outs than out of any natural inclination. Dave's tongue felt weird in his mouth, and he'd accidentally bit down in surprise when the human's hand slipped up under his sweater. Dave ended up laughing as Karkat alternated between yelling and apologizing, face a cherry red in embarrassment.

They spent awhile in that weird zone of "best bros that sometimes make out and flirt awkwardly" for a while before Dave, again, stepped up and suggested that they "try out that dating thing."

It hadn't been any kind of romantic proposal, there weren't any flowers or candles or flutterbeasts. They'd been sprawled out on the couch, legs idly tangled together, Dave's lip a little bruised and Karkat's shirt hitched up over his stomach from their latest round of kissing. Karkat was loose-limbed and relaxed, and thought about it for a few minutes before shrugging and replying with, "Sure, let's try it."

And that's where they stood. Honestly, there wasn't much difference between now, and before. It just had a name, and that made it feel more... official. Karkat was a little disappointed, if he was honest with himself. Being in pity always seemed like it should feel... more than this. His movies and books made it seem like the world would be brighter, everything better, but they were still stuck on this grey, boring meteor hurling through space, and nothing really changed.

He let it go. Not everything could be like in his books, and it was wigglerish to think otherwise.

Dave returned -- Karkat could hear him walk in, but didn't acknowledge him right away. The human settled on top of him, casually slotting himself between Karkat's knees and bracketing Karkat's ribcage with his forearms.

Karkat lifted his arm away from his face, fingers curling a little awkwardly around Dave's bicep instead. Fussily, he decided instead to reach up and around the human's neck in a sort-of hug. It still felt awkward, but he held that position anyway. Dave was just staring at him silently, a bit of a fond smile on his face. Karkat suddenly wished he'd taken the human's shades off, but it would be weird now, probably.

Dave saved him the trouble, taking his shades off and setting them aside. Karkat had to drop his arms to let him reach the table and put them down.

Instead of settling back into his previous position, Dave sat up on his heels, bringing his fingers to play with the hem of Karkat's sweater. "Can I take your shirt off?"

Karkat nodded, and moved to do it himself, but Dave intercepted and pulled the fabric over the troll's head, tossing it aside. Karkat reached for Dave's shirt then -- he wasn't about to be the only one topless here -- and Dave divested himself of his own shirt without prompting.

Karkat eyed the pale expanse of skin before him, a hand reaching out to touch the subtle differences between human and troll anatomy. Sure, he'd seen Dave shirtless before, but he'd never had a chance to really touch, or look so closely. The muscles underneath were familiar and strange all at once, forming the same basic body shape in different ways. His fingers brushed Dave's side and the human shied away, exhaling sharply. Before Karkat could question it the human was kissing him, their bared chests pressing together. Their breathing was anything but coordinated, the rising of their chests with each breath jostling them until Karkat consciously altered his breathing to match, so his chest rose when Dave's fell and vice versa. That was better. He rest his hands on Dave's back, idly feeling the smooth skin there. Dave's tongue was in his mouth again, and it felt weird, never hadn't, but Karkat poked back with his own tongue and rubbed them together and tried to imitate what the other was doing anyway. Dave didn't seem to mind, anyway.

Dave had one hand in Karkat's hair, nails scratching against his scalp and occasionally tugging on the strands, and that felt nice, that was the part of kissing he liked. Dave shifted up just a little, putting his weight on one arm and arching his back a little. Their lips never lost contact, but the hand in his hair stopped once he was bracing his weight against it. His freed arm wandered along Karkat's chest and sides, brushing curiously over grubscars once before wandering away, aimlessly moving over grey skin like he was planning to map out Karkat's torso by touch alone. When his fingers came back to touch Karkat's grubscars with a little more purpose, the troll inhaled sharply, expecting some kind of good feeling to come of it. All the trolls in his books had enjoyed having their grubscars stroked immensely; they were supposed to be one of the major erogenous zones on a troll's body. He'd stroked them himself, before, in the privacy of his own block, and it hadn't felt like anything that great, but maybe it would be different under someone else's hands, maybe he wasn't doing it right.

He was disappointed to discover that it didn't feel any different just because Dave was touching him, but the human kept doing it anyway; obviously Terezi's grubscars had worked like they were supposed to. Karkat didn't want Dave to think he wasn't enjoying himself -- because he was, he pitied Dave, maybe, and he definitely wanted this. He just shoved down his disappointment and threw himself into trying to keep up with the human's tongue instead. He wanted to return the attempted pleasure, but wasn't sure how to, so he just tugged their chests together again and tried to deepen the kiss.

He wasn't sure if Dave had somehow sensed that something was off or what when the kiss was broken and the human pulled back again, just a little, their mouths still hovering near eachother. Dave's hand slipped lower, away from Karkat's broken grubscars to skim over the troll's jeans, resting lightly against the button that kept them closed. Karkat's bloodpusher skipped a beat, suddenly uncertain if he wanted to go any further or not. He'd wanted to a minute ago. He'd thought about it. But he'd never -- he barely even touched himself before, he -- what if he was just as broken down there as his grubscars were, what if it hurt?

"Are you okay?" Dave asked, quiet, more a breath than anything, and Karkat nodded automatically. His mind was spinning too much to try thinking about it.

"Do you want me to stop?"

Part of him wanted to say yes, he wanted to get away and think about this. But he didn't want to be nervous. He didn't want to put this off, he didn't know if he could ever get this far again, and what if Dave thought it meant he never wanted to have sex and didn't ask again? What if Dave decided that not pailing was a deal-breaker, and they broke up, and it got awkward? Could they still be friends if they broke up?

Karkat sat up, pushing Dave back as he did, and to the human's questioning look he replied, in starts and stops, "Lie down, let me-- I want to--" He shuffled their positions around and nudged Dave on his back. The human went willingly, propping himself up on his elbows and watching attentively. Karkat kept his head down, unwilling to meet his partner's gaze fully as he focused all his attention on the button and zip of Dave's jeans. He fumbled with them a little and, sort of belatedly, mumbled, "Can I just.... I want to touch you, is that okay?"

Dave nodded and said softly, "No complaints here. Woo my pants off, Karkitty."

The teasing nickname bolstered Karkat's confidence a little, making the air seem less tense. That's right, Dave knew he's never done this before, they'd talked about it. He wouldn't blame him for being awkward and shy, probably. Maybe if he could just touch Dave a little first, maybe he'd feel more turned on, and it'd be okay to go further. His bulge wasn't showing any interest, but he could feel a little wetness at his nook, and that was good, right? It was just because he was nervous. He needed to calm down.

The zipper came down on Dave's jeans and parted open, white fabric with some kind of a pattern peering from between the opened fly. Karkat's hands fluttered about uselessly minute as he figured out how best to do this -- he was between Dave's legs, he'd have to move to pull his pants off, right, okay. Karkat shifted, maneuvering Dave's legs back together and kneeling awkwardly by his hip. He hooked his fingers under the waistband and pulled the jeans down, relieved when Dave lifted his hips and pulled at the cuffs with his toes to help get them off. His boxers caught on Dave's -- on the bulge in Dave's pants, clinging awkwardly once the jeans were gone, and Karkat swallowed his nerves as he caught the waistband of them -- they had little hearts all over, one right over the slightly damp spot left by Dave's parts, and Karkat blushed hotly, glad that he'd forgotten to cut his hair for a while; his bangs were long enough to hide behind this way. Maybe he'd leave it this long.

"Karkat." Dave's voice made Karkat jump a little. Fingers brushing back his hair and massaging at the base of a horn made him look up, almost guilty. "You don't have to. If you don't wanna, it's fine."

Karkat hesitated, leaned up to kiss his boysprit-matefriend. That's right, no one was making him, but he wanted to. It's what a good matesprit would want, right? So this is what he wanted. Because Dave was so good to him, so patient, he wanted to do something to show his appreciation.

"I want to." Karkat put on what he hoped looked at least a little sultry, eyelids lowered and a small smile, and ducked back down to divulge Dave of his boxers. The bulge underneath was weird, rigid and pointing up at Dave's chin. The sack behind looked delicate and strange, and Karkat decided that he wasn't going to touch it, for fear of snagging his claws on that tissue-paper-looking skin. He touched the bulge, instead, with only a fingertip at first, mindful of his claws. It was softer than it looked, but solid underneath, and twitched a little when he touched near the blunt head. Dave sucked in a sharp breath. In Karkat's head, he recited the terms for the different parts that he'd read about in the human anatomy book he'd gotten from Rose -- something she'd alchemized for Kanaya, and Karkat had swiped it when neither was looking. He was curious to know about this species that they’d made. He cautiously curled a hand around the shaft, experimentally, feeling the weird glide of skin over.... whatever was underneath it. Like the skin wasn't wholly attached. It slid a little bit over the head -- glans, the book had called it -- of Dave's penis when Karkat stroked upward. The book had talked about men that were circumcised and uncircumcised, but hadn't had any kind of visual comparison; Karkat wasn't sure which one Dave was, but it seemed important to know, for some reason.

"Are you... cir-cum-sis-ed?" The word was harder to say aloud, when he wasn't sure if he was saying it right.

Dave gave a startled bark of laughter, making Karkat jump and look up at him in surprise.

"No, dude, I'm not _circumcised_. Where did you even learn about that? Don't tell me Rose taught you the birds and the bees, human-style. Oh my god. She would." He fell on his back, chuckling still and covering his face with one hand. Karkat glared up at him, hand still around Dave's penis and blush high on his cheeks.

"Why is that funny? What do featherbeasts and buzzbeasts have to do with anything, and why would Rose tell me about them?"

"Oh my god." Dave's voice sounded a little strained. Karkat realized he'd tightened his grip and loosened it again. Dave cleared his throat. "It's. Nothing. Never mind. The question just surprised me." His hips shifted, restless, and he breathed out, "Just keep doing that."

Karkat didn't know what _that_ was. He moved his grip up and down again, hesitant, a little weirded out by the slide of skin and the way that the... foreskin, that was the word, the foreskin kept moving over the head, like some kind of obscene turtleneck dance. Dave groaned, and his hand reached down, wrapping around Karkat's, forcing his grip tighter and into a more even stroke.

"Like that." Dave whispered, breathy, and Karkat focused on repeating the action. His arm was getting tired from holding this position, and he wasn't sure how much longer he'd need to keep this up. He shifted, leaning on his elbow and switching hands. The angle was a little better like this, he thought.

Dave was pushing himself up onto his elbows again, looking decidedly more flustered. Karkat felt a bit of pride welling in his chest; _he'd_ been the one to make Dave like that. He leaned up, pressing a quick kiss to the human's face, sloppy and off center. Dave returned it, peppering kisses across Karkat's face. A hand came up to cup Karkat's jaw, thumb stroking over a cheekbone. Karkat nuzzled into it, sighing softly, counterpoint to Dave's rough breaths.

The human was talking, so quiet that Karkat could barely make out the words, a constant litany of endearments and encouragement and Karkat felt that little bit of pride in his chest swell to twice its size. This was okay, he could do this, he wasn't even nervous anymore, just happy that Dave was happy. The hand skimming along his side to play at his defunct grubscars wasn't even a bother anymore, he just flexed underneath the touch and purred as Dave mouthed at his jaw and collarbone. Dave's teeth, dull as they were, made him tingle with sensation when they pressed into his skin, and he must have made a noise, because Dave did it again, and again, biting gently at any skin he could reach. Karkat wasn't entirely sure if the sensation was good or bad, but it was the most prominent one right now, and he should be feeling good, so he decided it was pleasure. He made appreciative noises at it, because none came by themselves and he wanted Dave to know he liked it.

Dave's hand wandered near his waistband again, more uncertain this time. His fingertips dipped beneath and retreated to just soothe at the skin above. Karkat ignored the action, and Dave didn't mention it, and that was fine, because Karkat's guts started to twist again with doubt. He should let Dave touch him more; Dave was being so patient and Karkat was being so selfish. But he didn't think he was any more turned on than he had been before. His bulge was still retracted, only shifting a little in its sheath every now and again. He didn't want Dave to think he wasn't enjoying himself. But he'd never gotten his bulge to emerge, not with all the porn and fantasizing and fumbling between his legs, and oh god, he _was_ broken, his grubscars didn't work and his bulge wouldn't come out and the one time he'd tried a finger in his nook it had hurt so much. He buried his face against Dave's neck, breathing irregularly, trying not to hyperventilate. Dave didn't seem to notice, or if he did he didn't say anything, his hand rubbing over Karkat's back and at his grubscars. His breathing was getting louder, rougher, and a part of Karkat hoped that meant that Dave would finish soon, and then they could go back to watching the movie and not have to talk about this. He should probably break up with Dave, he realized, bloodpusher twinging at the thought. If he couldn't even do something as simple as pail with his matesprit, then he shouldn't keep leading the human on. Something was broken in him, it wasn't fair to Dave.

Dave tensed, inhaling sharply, and the penis in Karkat's hand pulsed, reminding him of its presence. He'd kind of forgotten about what his hand had been doing, and the realization startled him a little, but Dave's hissed _'don't stop!'_ made him renew his stroking, clumsily counterpoint to the restless movement of Dave's hips, and then Dave's hand came down over his, squeezing and dragging their hands upward together harder than before. Karkat watched, wide eyed, as a white fluid spurt from the red tip, splattering across Dave's pale stomach and getting on their conjoined hands. A few more spurts, and Dave went boneless, his hand falling away. Karkat took that as his cue to take his hand away, too, and somewhat awkwardly held it up, not wanting to smear the genetic material on anything else but not really sure he liked the feeling of it on his skin. It felt kind of slimy. Dave groped around on the side of the bed until he came up with his boxers, and used them to wipe off Karkat's hand, then his own, and finally just kind of dropped it over himself, half-heartedly trying to mop up the fluid on his stomach.

Unsure of what else to do with himself, Karkat just lie down, tucked against Dave's side. He curled a leg around one of Dave's and hugged the arm that wasn't occupied with trying to clean up. His guts started to untwist slowly.

Dave threw aside the boxers and rolled to face his partner, leg tossed carelessly over Karkat's two. He kept his bared hips carefully away from Karkat's, maybe to keep from spreading the remains of the mess. Karkat tucked his head under Dave's chin and stared blankly down their fronts. He was starting to feel kind of numb.

"Do you want me to--" Dave's leg twitched up against Karkat's crotch, from where it was trapped between Karkat's thighs. He shook his head, mute. Dave was quiet for a bit, then asked softly, "Are you ok?"

Karkat nodded, this time lifting his head long enough to press their lips together again. Kissing was still okay, that was safe. Their lips lingered together, moving a little. Dave nipped at Karkat's lower lip, and he hummed pleasure but pulled away, tucking his head back under Dave's chin to mumble, "I'm tired."

He thought maybe Dave nodded above him, and then he felt himself hugged a bit closer. There was a bit of shifting, and Dave pulled a blanket over them both. Karkat shrugged it up until only the top of his head stuck out, and closed his eyes. He wasn't sure why he was suddenly so exhausted, but he was, and Dave was warm against and around him. It was comfortable, and he started to doze off, feeling more than seeing as Dave's breath started evening off.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Same warnings as the previous chapter will apply here.
> 
> Also I had surgery the day that I started writing this chapter and was in various states of medicated throughout, so uh. I'm sorry for any weirdness. Please feel free to point out any issues you find.

Sweaty and bare-chested and hopped up on adrenaline from their sparring, Dave and Karkat sprawled bonelessly against each other on the multiple seating platform in Dave’s room. Karkat was laughing when Dave shifted, turned sideways on the couch and peppering kisses along the troll’s jaw. Karkat’s mouth snapped shut in surprise, before it was covered with Dave’s own, and suddenly they were kissing. Karkat wasn’t sure what had brought this on, but was willing to go along with it; he turned, reaching out to pull Dave closer and adjust the weird angle. Dave ended up straddling his lap, fingers laced in Karkat’s hair as they pressed together, all sticky-slick with sweat. Karkat had to lean his head back, now that Dave’s mouth was above him, and the motion pushed his scalp into Dave’s warm palm. He settled his arms around Dave’s waist, keeping him close. The slight bulge beneath Dave’s zipper was distracting, pressing against Karkat’s stomach, but he ignored it; It was always like that after they sparred. It was probably some weird human thing; Karkat didn’t want to bring it up. In fact, he kind of just wanted to pretend that genitals weren’t even a thing, and that worked alright for the majority of the time, except for situations like this, when he just couldn’t stop thinking about what was in Dave’s pants, and what was in his own pants, and how nervous it made him that one or both of their respective parts were eventually going to become _relevant_. 

He hadn’t talked to Dave about that…. that Thing that happened. With Dave’s pants off. He didn’t really know what he was supposed to say. So he just acted like it was no big deal and avoided any conversation that might bring it up. He recognized, distantly, that avoiding his problems didn’t make them go away, but in the absence of any way to fix said problems, it was his best hope. 

Take for instance, this tongue thing. Dave’s tongue was in his mouth again, and he thought maybe he was getting better at kissing back and not having his own tongue just lie around like a dead thing in his mouth, but that didn’t make it any less weird. He wasn’t going to say anything though. Kissing with tongue was just how flushmates kiss, and it was probably just him that thought it was weird. 

Dave’s hands liked to wander, when they kissed. More than they used to, before The Thing happened. Like he was reinforcing some kind of claim. Like he couldn’t stop now that he’d started. That was kind flattering, and the idea made Karkat’s bloodpusher beat a little faster. He should probably touch too. Karkat’s hands skirted over Dave’s back, unsure where to touch; he wanted to touch all of it at once, somehow. He settled a hand over the little bumps of Dave’s spine, between his shoulder blades, and followed them down, counting them and marveling a little at the flex and movement under his hand. So caught up in following the little bumpy trail, he barely noticed when it ended just above the slight curve of the human’s ass, leaving his fingers resting just inside the gap at the back of Dave’s jeans. By the time he realized it, he wasn’t sure how to retract the touch, or if he should, so he just left it there. Dave didn’t seem to notice. Karkat noticed the fingers at his own waistband though. They tickled at his hips, dipping below his belt and retreating, following the line of his pelvis. Karkat shifted, uncertain. Dave took this as encouragement; his hips rocked once against Karkat’s stomach, and then the kiss was broken as he pulled back. Karkat looked up at him, licking his lips a little. 

Dave’s face was a little red, his shades crooked on his nose; the human took them off, disappearing them into his sylladex, and leaned in again for another kiss, a short, chaste press of lips. Before Karkat could even kiss back, Dave was pulling away, hands tracing to the front of Karkat’s jeans. 

“Hey, can I--” Dave’s voice came out low and husky, and he paused to clear his throat before continuing, “I mean, the other day when you... “ He glanced up, meeting Karkat’s eyes. The corner of his mouth twitched up. “I want to make you feel good too. Fair’s fair, right?” 

Karkat swallowed; he swore his face was going to melt off, with how hot it felt. The knot in his stomach started twisting up again. It was normal to be nervous your first time, right? Right. And it’s not like… not like he didn’t want to. Of course he wanted to feel good. What kind of fucked up wiggler would he have to be to not want to pail with his boysprit-matefriend? Yeah, it was just nerves. He bit his lip, nodded a little. “I’ve never--” His voice came out quieter than he meant for it to. 

Dave ducked down, chuckling a little. “It’s fine, bro. Karkat. I know.” He palmed gently over Karkat’s bulge and nook, over his jeans, and Karkat’s knees twitched. He wasn’t sure if he wanted to close his legs or spread them. The human pulled back further, until he was kneeling on the floor at Karkat’s feet. Dave’s hands were on Karkat’s knees, a soft pressure that travelled up his thighs, bracketed his hips, tugged him closer to the edge of the seat. Karkat allowed himself to be positioned, a little grateful for the direction. He wasn’t sure what to do with himself, but Dave seemed to know. His hands curled uselessly by his sides. Dave’s hands were massaging his butt, Dave’s lips were mouthing the fabric over Karkat’s thighs, and it felt weird, Karkat couldn’t really parse what to do with the actions. He just watched, quiet. 

Dave’s mouth lifted away and his hands circled Karkat’s waist to massage at his thighs. “Shh, just relax. It won’t hurt, I promise, it’s gonna feel so good. Ok, Karkat, is it ok--?”

Swallow. Nod. Swallow again. “Y-Yeah. What should I... How…” Karkat lifted his hands, laid them over Dave’s, took them back, suddenly all nerves. 

Dave caught one of the fluttering hands, kissed the knuckles, released it. Karkat’s insides felt like jelly. “Just sit back. Let me take care of you.” 

Despite the confidence in Dave’s voice, Karkat could see the slight hesitance as those pale fingers plucked at his fly with a little more purpose. Dave glanced up, once, through his bangs, and finally Karkat’s pants were opened. Pale fingers slipped inside, and Karkat sucked in a breath. Dave hummed a little, tugging the jeans and boxers down over Karkat’s hips; Karkat squirmed to help kick them off. His fingers brushed the skin as it was revealed. 

Karkat’s legs pressed together with a sudden bout of nerves as soon as his pants were gone. Dave blinked up at him, and Karkat bit his lip. “I. Um. Fuck.” 

The human’s chuckle made him blush, and Dave bent to nip at grey thighs. Karkat took a deep breath and inched his legs apart. The tiny action felt like he was facing down an Imperial Drone. He muttered a ‘sorry’ but wasn’t sure if Dave heard. 

In the time it took Karkat to work himself up, Dave had kissed up to the apex of the troll’s thighs, and was stroking between his legs. He didn’t seem to mind how little interest Karkat’s bulge was displaying, just kind of… petting. It mostly just felt weird. Karkat.... guessed it felt ok. Sort of. He shifted a little, and Dave leaned in to mouth at the opening to Karkat’s sheath, tongue laving over it. 

With a gasp, Karkat’s legs shifted a little wider, presenting himself. That-- He felt that. Just a little. His mind ran in little circles, trying to process whatever that sensation was mixed with the unfamiliar feel of his bulge swelling and shifting inside him. The tip of Dave’s tongue slipped inside his sheath and contacted the very tip of Karkat’s bulge, and that-- that was too much, Karkat jerked and pushed his partner away, eye wide and face red. 

Dave didn’t go far, just far enough back to look up and connect their gazes. “Too much?” Karkat’s throat felt too tight, so he just nodded, and Dave tilted his chin a little in acknowledgement, “Want to stop?” With a little more hesitation Karkat shook his head, and Dave smiled, leaning back in, slowly this time. Karkat held his breathe. Soft lips contacted his nook this time, gently moving over the small folds there for a few minutes. It was back to that dull, almost-nonexistent feeling, but Karkat was still a little on edge, both dreading and anticipating that little shock of sensation. Dave’s tongue was introduced after what felt like far too long, and even that wasn't doing anything. His bulge had long since lost interest again. 

Karkat sighed, tugging at Dave’s hair a little. “Dave.” 

The human stopped and looked up, fingers still working delicately over Karkat’s nook. The tip of one pressed in, and Karkat winced, tensing; the finger retreated. 

“Dave, stop, I… this… it doesn’t… work.” The troll cringed at his own words. 

Dave looked confused for a moment, but pulled the rest of the way back. His mouth looked wet and puffy, with smears of transparent red, and when he opened it to speak, Karkat dove in to kiss him again. He didn’t want to answer the unasked questions, he didn’t want Dave to question whatever they had because Karkat couldn’t perform, he just wanted to fix this. His body was on autopilot as his mind worked out ways to make this right. Oh, that might work. 

Karkat tucked his hands under Dave’s armpits, tugging him upright with their mouths still connected. By some miracle he managed to smoothly switch places without parting their lips and giving Dave a chance to open his mouth. And now for the tricky part. Karkat pulled away enough just to glance down and get his bearings, then attacked the button and zip of Dave’s jeans. He could already feel the human’s bulge beneath the zipper. Pants conquered, Karkat roughly pushed at them until Dave helped him in pulling them off. Karkat sat back on his heels between the human’s knees, pausing. He wasn’t _hesitating_ , damnit, this was just…. a _tactical pause_.

“Karkat?” Oh, he left Dave’s mouth unoccupied so _of course_ the human would have to start questioning him. 

Karkat’s hand shot out and wrapped around Dave’s bulge, attempting to reproduce the pumping motion that he’d been shown before. “Shut up. Let me do this.” 

For once, Dave did actually shut up. He made little breathy noises instead, but that was fine. Karkat eyed the weird human bulge once more, before popping the end of it in his mouth. He’d seen trolls do this in porn, and they talked about it in his books, it couldn’t be too hard to do the same thing on a human. 

Dave yelped, “Teeth!” and Karkat jerked away, looking for signs of blood. There was none, and he glared up at the human for panicking. Dave at least looked sorry. 

So Karkat tried again, slower this time. He kept his jaw cracked open as wide as he could, to keep his teeth away, and curled his hand around the rest of the shaft. His tongue swiped over the head, the slightly unpleasant taste catching him off guard. Whatever, he wouldn’t cluckbeast out now. Eyebrows furrowing in concentration, Karkat dipped his head a little lower, tongue swiping over whatever he could reach. He explored the texture of the skin in his mouth, listening to the tune of Dave’s harsh breathing, until he found a spot that made Dave’s breath hitch. He attacked that spot with his tongue, dipping his head even lower to rub his lips over it. He kept pressing on, trying to get as much as he could of Dave’s penis in his mouth, until it hit the back of his throat and he pulled back, trying to hide his gagging. Dave chuckled breathlessly, petting through Karkat’s hair and horns until the troll was purring. The human abruptly let out a drawn out moan, “Oh, fuck, Karkat!” 

There it was again, that swelling of pride at what state he was able to get his partner into. He redoubled his efforts, encouraged, clumsily trying to match the movement of his hand with his mouth. There was a bit of drool on the corner of his mouth, and that unpleasant taste was getting stronger, but Dave liked it, so it had to be okay, he could do this. 

His jaw and neck were starting to get sore, and the thought of what he was going to do with Dave’s eventual genetic material was starting to nag at his mind. It hadn’t been much, so maybe he could swallow it, but what if it made him sick, or tasted gross? Would it be rude to spit it out? That’d probably be gross, actually. 

He didn’t really get much time to ponder; Dave moaned something unintelligible and nudged Karkat away, his own hand curling over Karkat’s and setting a faster pace. His other hand cupped around the head as his bulge pulsed underneath their fingers, spurting out its material into Dave’s hand. Karkat watched with wide eyes, transfixed for some reason he couldn’t really explain. 

Silent, Karkat removed his hand and groped blindly for a piece of fabric. He came back with his own underwear, and only realized it after handing them to Dave and watching him wipe his hand off. Oh. Whoops. Karkat looked around himself, considered Dave’s quadrant print boxers, and with a shrug, pulled them on. They were kinda small, but he did feel better covered up. 

“There is no way you haven’t done that before. You’ve been holding out on me, Karkitty.” Dave was rambling; Karkat wasn’t really listening, but that much caught his attention, and he crawled up on the seating platform when Dave was done cleaning himself up. He shoved the human’s pants at him, waited for him to dress, and then shoved himself into the human’s arms, pressing his head against Dave’s chest and closing his eyes. 

“O-kaaay, snuggle time is a go.” Dave chuckled shifting to get more comfortable and gathering the smaller troll up in his arms. 


	3. Chapter 3

Karkat always imagined his first time would be more.... more. More something. He liked to think he wasn't naive enough to believe on a fairytale first time with flower petals and undying declarations of pity, but somehow, lying on his back with his knees spread, watching Dave rub the head of his weird human bulge all over Karkat's crotch as if he were completely unable to find the nook was a little outside even Karkat's lowest expectations.

"What are you doing?"

"I..." Dave at least had the shame to look embarrassed with himself. "I thought maybe it... you know what, never mind, are you ready? You doing okay?"

Karkat rolled his eyes. No, he wasn't really doing okay, and the rolling in his guts made him think that maybe this wasn't such a good idea, but he couldn't exactly back out now. 

Dave must have took that as assent; the blunt head of his human bulge was pressing at the entrance to Karkat's nook, and the troll shut his eyes, hands balling up in the sheets. He already knew this would hurt. Everyone says the first time would hurt, but it gets better after that, so he just needed to suck it up. Dave was muttering something, stroking Karkat's sides, and kept it up as he slowly pressed past that tight ring of muscle. It burned, it felt like something tore, and even clenching his teeth couldn't hold back the whine in Karkat's throat. Dave's voice wavered into his consciousness, "Damn, Karkat, come on. You have to relax. Relax." But he didn't know how to relax, it hurt, this wasn't working. 

Dave stopped moving, and Karkat shifted his hips, not sure if he was trying to pull away from the pain or push closer to get it over with, but the pause gave him space to breathe. He realized he'd been holding his breath and let it all out at once, sucked in another breath, let it out, and just when he thought he was about to start hyperventilating Dave was murmuring to him, leaning down to press a soft kiss to the side of Karkat's mouth. That brought their chests together, and Karkat focused on matching their breathing, exhaling on Dave's inhale and vice versa. It helped center him, a little, and a few breaths later his nook didn't feel quite so torn open. He rocked against Dave a little, a morbid expiriment to see if the pain really had gone away or if maybe he'd just gone numb to the trauma, but all he felt was uncomfortable stretch and chafe. Dave groaned and pressed in further, still murmuring something between sloppy kisses to Karkat's neck and collarbones; Karkat kept his mostly tuned out, too focused on what was going on below. He could feel Dave inside. And that wasn't nearly as sexy as all of his books had implied it was. It was just.... there. Some foreign object pressed up inside of him, uncomfortably stretching and prodding and chafing at oversensitive skin. The further Dave pressed, the more compressed his bulge felt in its sheathe, which was initially just strange -- he wondered if that's what it would feel like to have his bulge in someone else's nook, like in a proper pailing. When Dave stopped moving again, the tip of Karkat's bulge was oozing out of his sheathe, the rest knotted up and strangled inside. Even though, logically, Karkat knew about how wide Dave's bulge was -- he could wrap his hand around it pretty easily -- it felt bigger now, more like the width of his forearm, like his organs had been rearranged to accommodate it. His stomach felt slimy and jostled. He wondered when this was supposed to get "better".

Dave was talking again. Karkat assumed he was asking for a status update -- 'are you okay?' -- because he always seemed to be asking that, but right now, it was as if Karkat's ears were plugged, and Dave was speaking a different language. Karkat just nodded. He was okay. This was okay. It didn't really hurt anymore, and it just felt uncomfortable, and that's okay, because it's supposed to get better. Everyone says so. Taking your quad's bulge is supposed to be the ultimate act, and it's supposed to be amazing, that's why everyone does it and talks about it all the time. If sex wasn't so great no one would do it.

Dave was brushing through Karkat’s hair with his fingers. He had on his poker face, but this close, with his glasses off, Karkat could see the little smile, how soft his eyes got, the pink that was coloring the tops of the human's freckled cheeks. Dave didn't seem to be in any pain, or discomfort, he seemed so happy. Karkat wanted that feeling. He wrapped his arms around the human's neck and pulled them closer together, hiding his face in Dave’s neck. He didn't want Dave to see his face and whatever expression was on it, because his face never seemed to be making the right expressions, if Dave was always so worried about him. This was okay, this was what Karkat wanted, he wanted Dave to know how much he pitied him. He pitied Dave so much.

He rolled his hips, trying to get Dave to do _something_ already, and the human responded, pulling out and then shoving back in, and Karkat wasn't sure if it was him or Dave’s resting platform that had made that embarrassing squished squeak beast noise. He pressed his lips tighter together, hoping not to make any more noise. Dave was breathing heavily against his shoulder, each breath underlined with a groan and punctuated with some breathy exclamation as he pistoned in and out of Karkat’s nook. It still didn't feel "good", but each movement felt better, by millimeters; less chafing and more glide, less having his organs violently shoved out of the way. It was like Dave’s weirdly stiff bulge was chiseling out a space for itself. The thought made a little giggle bubble up Karkat’s throat; he wondered if he was going insane. At the same time, his bulge just felt more chafed and sore the longer Dave went, shifted around inside it's sheathe and rubbing oversensitive flesh against itself over and over. Dave’s hand wedged between them, fingertips finding that little bit of bulge that had been ejected from its sheath and playing with it until even that part of his bulge felt raw. Karkat chewed on the inside of his cheek until he tasted blood and started to hope Dave wouldn't last much longer.

It felt like forever before a change in the monotonous in-out pace caught Karkat's attention again; most everything between his legs was starting to feel numb enough that he could ignore it and focus instead on clumsily petting at Dave’s skin and hesitantly allowing his breathing to be a little louder, or making noises at what seemed appropriate times -- no one liked their partner to be a dead watercreature, and he didn't want Dave to leave him because he was bad over the pail. If he could just get through this, then they could cuddle up and watch movies or something after, and maybe next time it wouldn't be so bad. Maybe he could just use his mouth next time, Dave had seemed to like that more, and it had been easier.

Dave's pace had changed, become more erratic, and it was setting off a few nerves that somehow hadn't been disturbed yet. Karkat let out what he hoped was an encouraging noise, rolling his hips against Dave’s as best he could, and Dave jerked sharply, groaning loudly as he stilled. His bulge pulsed weirdly against Karkat’s numbed nook, and then withdrew slowly, all the way out this time, as Dave drew back from him, breathing heavily. Karkat took the first opportunity he had to press his legs back together, weirded out by the gaping, slimy sensation in his nethers. A morbid part of his brain wanted to get a mirror and see if his nook was left hanging open. 

Dave disrupted his thoughts by leaning in for a kiss. His words were the first in awhile that came through clearly, "You wanna shower first?"

Karkat couldn't find his tongue. He reached out and pulled Dave against him, just breathing shakily into the human's hair for a little bit. He did want a shower, now that it was mentioned, but he wanted this first, and Dave chuckled quietly, obliging even though he probably wanted to get washed up just as much as Karkat did. When he did find his voice again it was small and whispery, "I'm just... gonna stay here a little bit. You go clean up."

"OK, Princess." Dave laughed, kissing Karkat's forehead, and then his mouth, before pulling away. Karkat let him, and waited until he heard the door close to curl in a ball on his side. He was shaking. He didn't know when he'd started, but now that he was alone, he could feel the slight tremor running through him. And with that realization, the sharp ache between his legs, and the stiffness in his hips, and the pain of the place he'd bitten inside his cheek came crashing down on him, and suddenly there wasn't enough air in the room, like Dave had taken it all with him when he left. He felt cold and confused and disappointed and curled into an even tighter ball, panting for what little air Dave had left him to breath. This wasn't anything at all like he'd heard, how come no one ever warned him about this? About the pain and how gross he felt and how his stomach was churning like maybe he'd throw up? Karkat fumbled for the blanket and yanked it over himself, hiding from the little light on Dave's table and the little mirror on the other side of the room and the pictures taped up to the wall and hanging on strings, and it smelled weird under the heavy blanket but he could breath better and if he closed his eyes tight then he couldn't see even a little light or himself or anything, and then he wouldn't have to think about any of it.

He could only barely hear the door slide open again over his own erratic breathing, and the resting platform sunk as presumably Dave sat down beside the little blanket lump that Karkat had wound himself up into. 

Dave's voice filtered through in fits and starts, Karkat only catching enough to get that Dave was worried again, and oh, fuck, he didn't want to worry Dave, he needed to stop freaking out and acting like a wiggler, right now. Before Dave found out.

The sheet was pulled away from Karkat's face and, unbidden, his eyes slit open to stare up at the blonde human. It was then that he realized his face was wet.

~

He didn't know what he expected, but pulling away the sheets to find Karkat's blotchy, tear stained face hadn't really been it. Dave panicked, babbling out questions as he bundled the shaking, hyperventilating troll up against him. Karkat had been _fine_ when he left, he'd only been gone a couple minutes, what the hell had happened in such a short time? He wanted to pull the blanket away, to check if Karkat was hurt anywhere, but the troll kept a firm grip on it and Dave just gave up. 

"Karkat what's wrong? What did I do?" And a sickening feeling started rising in his throat as he started to wonder if maybe he'd read the signs wrong, maybe Karkat didn't want to have sex with him at all, he hadn't said no but what if it was some weird troll thing or he'd pressured him into it or-- 

Dave pressed his face into Karkat's hair and hugged him tight, rocking him a little, desperately trying to get him to calm down, and to calm down himself, fuck this was like that monorail quadrant now, right, what if Karkat didn't want this either? But he couldn't just let him go and leave, he couldn't make himself no matter how hard he tried.

~

Karkat's hysterics started to die down the longer he stayed pressed against Dave's chest, and the more calmed down he got the more embarrassed he felt. This was completely the wrong quadrant, but this was Dave, and Dave was a human with all the disgusting quadrant smearing wonder of their race. Dave wasn't going to care about that. He was going to care about why Karkat was acting like a stupid little grub. And Karkat didn't know how to tell him that. He didn't want to have to tell his matesprit, that he pitied so much and maybe human-loved so much, that he didn't want to pail him anymore, that it made him like maybe he was gonna throw up, because pailing is supposed to be special and he's supposed to enjoy it, it's supposed to show how much he adores and trusts his boysprit-matefriend. 

"Karkat? Karkat, I swear to god or the horror terrors or you or whatever, if you don't tell me what's wrong i'll... i'll... I don't know what I'll do. Just please tell me. Karkat, come on, I can't deal with you crying, I don't know how to fix it, should I go get Rose? Rose is good at this. Or maybe Kanaya? You and Kanaya are close right? Karkat?"

God he couldn't bear to have even Kanaya find out about this. Karkat groaned and reached a hand out of his blanket ball to clutch at Dave's arm, managing a quiet, "No, don't..."

"Then what's wrong, Karkat, tell me? I'm kind of freaking out here. Did I do something wrong? It it a troll thing? Did I break some sacred rule? _What happened_?"

Shakily, Karkat papped blindly at Dave's face, "it's nothing, it's stupid, I'm fine. You didn't do anything wrong, stop... stop." 

Under his hand, Karkat could feel Dave's face go still and tense, just moments before he was pushed away, Dave's hands clenching on his shoulders. Wide-eyed and confused, Karkat looked up to meet Dave's hard gaze. His stomach clenched.

"Don't fucking lie to me, Karkat, I'm not blind. Something is wrong and I want to know what."

Karkat was shaking again, scared of this sudden change. He could feel more tears pricking at his eyes and blinked them back, trying to huddle deeper into the blanket again. Dave wouldn't let him.

Karkat moved his mouth a couple times, trying to find words, whispering, "It's nothing, Dave. It's nothing."

"It's not nothing!" Dave's eyes looked glassy, and Karkat could see the white all the way around the red irises. He looked like a wild lusii. Karkat winced when Dave's hands clenched, and the human jerked away as if he'd been burnt, breaking the last point of contact between them. Karkat felt his blood pusher was torn away with Dave's hands, and the tears finally spilled out of his eyes again as he hunkered miserably back into the sheet.

His confession came unbidden, all at once in a single breath. "I don't want to pail anymore."

Dave jumped like he'd touched a live wire. "What?"

Now that he'd started, Karkat couldn't figure out how to stop. The flow of words rushed out of his mouth without his consent, as he stared wide-eyed at the human who seemed so far away now. "But I pity you so, so much, Dave, I really do, but I'm all broken and fucked up and I thought it'd be okay with you but it's not, it hurts and I don't know why, because I pity you _so fucking much_ Dave, you're a perfect mess and I want to be with you, I don't want to break up, please don't, I'll do anything, m-maybe we can pail again and it'll be different, it's just because I haven't before, I'll try harder, Dave, I will--" He wasn't even sure what he was saying anymore, only aware of the dawning expression of pain and horror on Dave's face. This was a terrible idea, he never should have said anything, he should have just held it together and had his stupid wiggler meltdown later in his own block where Dave couldn't find him. Desperate, Karkat shuffled closer, reaching out to pull them together again, reaching out for the waistband of the boxers that Dave had pulled on. He could try again, he'd make Dave believe him.

Something must have snapped Dave from his frozen state; Karkat's hand was swatted away so hard that it stung, and Dave jumped off the platform, standing out of reach. Karkat panicked, dropping the blanket to go after him, and was swept up into a crushing hug.

"Fuck, Karkat. What the hell. Don't do that, don't-- why wouldn't you tell me that?! I know you pity me, you complete and utter moron. How could you let me... let me do that, if you don't want to do something just _say so,_ how could you.... fuck, Karkat, I thought you _wanted_ to--"

"It's what matesprits _do_ , I wanted to, to do it right... I wanted you to be happy...." even to his own ears, Karkat's voice sounded tiny and weak. He hated it. 

"I'm not fucking happy, Karkat!" Dave's roar made his wince; Karkat didn't think he'd ever heard Dave raise his voice like that. "Don't just do whatever you think I want you to do, what would make you think I'd want this? Huh?"

"I thought it'd be okay." He pressed himself into Dave's chest as if he could just disappear if he made himself small enough. "I thought--"

Dave let out all his breath in a loud huff and most of the tension in his arms went with it. He petted Karkat's hair. His voice was softer now, shaking a little. "Don't you ever do that again. Don't you dare pull that shit on me again, Karkat, do you understand? When I ask if you're okay you had better tell me that you're okay and fucking mean it, and if you're not okay I want to know about it, I don't care if you think I'm having the time of my life I will drop everything if it means we don't have to go through this again, fucking hell." The hand in Karkat's hair pressed his face against Dave's chest, and he could feel Dave sigh against one of his horns. "And don't just. Hide shit like that. It's not healthy. I'll sic Rose on you, I swear."

There was a long pause, with Karkat just sniffling quietly against Dave's chest, unsure of how to react. Tension still sang through his spine, hands curled kind of uncomfortably between them. Uncertainty and fear jostled for dominance in his thoughts.

"Dave?"

"Yeah?"

Karkat bit the inside of his cheek, reopening the bite he'd already left there. "....Are we still..." he wanted to say 'friends' and 'matesprits' and 'okay' and a million other things that came to mind, but just couldn't settle on one.

Dave seemed to get it though. "I still love you. You fucking wreck." He squeezed Karkat a little, reassuringly. 

Karkat sniffed again, trying to clear the last of the snot from his nose, and whispered, "I think I want that shower now."

Dave broke out laughing suddenly, burying his face in Karkat's hair; Karkat snorted and pushed him away, trying to regain at least a scrap of his dignity. Dave released him, still laughing, to flop on the bed, and when Karkat turned to berate him, he found himself being kissed instead.

Almost as soon as the kiss had started it ended, and Dave looked cautious, like he wasn't sure he was allowed. Karkat growled and grabbed him by the back of the head, hauling their lips together again for a proper kiss, until he started to feel self conscious bent over naked like this and pulled away, yanking the sheet out from under Dave's butt to drape himself in and head for the shower. 

Alone in the shower, Karkat sat under the stream of water, knees against his chest and face hidden in them. He was crying again. Not upset anymore, just tired, and a little confused, and angry with himself. The beat of the water on his back was soothing, and the little aches and pains that his emotional outburst had pushed to the back of his mind were creeping back into focus. Hesitant, he let a hand wander down to his nook, feeling around, but nothing felt different than before. He pulled his hand away and went still, letting the warm water run over him. He kind of wanted to stay with Dave tonight. He wondered if Dave would let him.

Later, when him and Dave were curled up together under freshly alchemized sheets, Karkat's head bowed against Dave's chest, he let himself smile, just a little. This was okay. He could do this.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: if you come across someone having a panic attack, forcing them to talk about it or explain it is generally a bad idea. Hugging can also be also bad idea, depending on the person.


End file.
